Parents – Do your children like snowmen? Would they like an eleven-foot snowman in their front yard? Of course they would – but where would anyone get that much snow?
Meet my driveway.
16 feet wide and a staggering 80 feet long, the professionally sealed asphalt of my driveway is currently home to 19 drifting inches of the finest snow on the East Coast. And it’s yours - for free.
Folks, I’ve been alive for forty years. My father’s been around longer than that. And we both agree, this snow isn’t going anywhere unless someone gets up off the couch and shovels it up. That’s where you come in. As long as you can haul it, it’s yours.
Snow of this quality is rare. Take the snowballs – normally making a snowball is a crapshoot. Either the snow won’t stay together, or the snowball ends up like a chunk of ice. This snow is different. The snowballs are so perfect that you could hit a neighbor’s child from across the street, but they break apart enough so that there’s no mark on him to prove you did it. Three times.
This snow is perfect for snow angels. When my dad was walking out to the mailbox, he fell flat on his back about ten feet from the door. There remains a perfect Dad-shaped hole in that field of white, a solemn reminder of the hilarity of an old man falling, and a testament to winter’s bounty.
You might ask me, “Hey, if this snow is so good, why don’t you just keep it?” That’s an excellent question.
It really is.
I go to church, and I believe the Jesus said to share your bounties. Jesus or a disciple. Not Judas. Anyway, I couldn’t keep all this glorious snow to myself, and I truly believe that so much good could be done with it elsewhere.
Ever want a snow fort? Boy howdy! Build one to your heart’s content – there’s enough snow here to build a snow town! I wouldn’t build an igloo though. Getting that roof right is tricky. You almost have to buttress it for structural integrity. If not, some jerk might jump on your igloo and cave it in. Who does stuff like that? Me, that’s who. I run down the street when it’s snowy, and when I see an igloo, I yell “Igloo Inspector!” and I jump on top of the igloo. For safety.
To answer the obvious question, of course I’d like to see all of the snow go to the same home. I also know that it’s probably not going to happen, because you’d need a dump truck to get all of this snow out. I doubt you have a dump truck, and I know I don’t. That would be pretty sweet, though.
Also, you have my personal guarantee that the snow in my driveway is not “yellow snow”. Any snow along the borders of the driveway is not guaranteed, though, and almost certainly will contain my urine.
On an unrelated note, I was at the grocery store checkout line behind this smoking hot girl. She was like that girl who used to be on Melrose Place, but with awesomer breasts. She looks at me and says “You know what sets my loins on fire?” And I said, “I don’t know. All that asparagus?” And she says “No. A full sized toboggan run in somebody’s yard.”
It would take an awful lot of snow to make a full sized toboggan run.
