“Hey, Slick. Your fly is down.”
And thus, my morning began. I was fixin’ to get lattéd up, so I actually left the house. Lo and behold, the barista at Starbucks pointed out a pantular flaw in my groinal region. Hurriedly, I spun away from him to address the issue, since it was mildly embarrassing. Slightly more so now, since my pirouette has alerted the line of customers to my wardrobe malfunction. Anyhow, up goes the fly, and I’m out the door.
Not much of a story, huh? So a dozen people saw my manties. Big whoop.
“Hey, your zipper’s open.”
Funny how, as I’m walking away from the coffee shop, I’m not only remembering the embarrassment of the situation, but I’m paraphrasing the guy who shamed me, and in a different voice.
“I said your zipper’s down!”
Ah, crap. It’s busted. My zipper is busted. In many ways this is like losing a child, only much, much worse. Like a bad haircut.
I’m a rock solid mile from my destination, and no less than fifteen people alerted me to my predicament on that lonely walk. Men and women, old and young – it didn’t matter. Strangers felt the need to point and shout at my man zone. It got so bad that I pulled into Hot Topic for a pair of pants. Hot Topic! Fortunately no one will read this.
It was in that angst-ridden dressing room that I came upon a realization – an epiphany, if you will. In less than fifteen minutes, over two dozen people looked at my junk. Unsolicited eyes focused upon one thing. Eyes from every demographic group.
That’s prime advertising space right there.
I would have to be judicious about who I sold ads to, of course. The last thing I want is for my crotch to be involved in something distasteful. I don’t want to rule out any products, but I want the whole thing to be classy, you know? Like a steakhouse.
The ads themselves should be spellbinding. Basically, I want people to say, “Your zipper’s down. I GOTTA GET ME SOME OF THAT!” This is no easy task, because the space is very limited.
Well, not that limited. I would guess that my space would be less limited than the average space, if the figures I’ve read are correct. Not that I know these figures offhand. This enters the realm of market research, in a way. Let’s just say that my advertising space hasn’t gotten any complaints. Quite the contrary. Not trying to brag, just stating facts. It’s just biology, nothing to be proud of, or ashamed about. The good Lord dished it out, and I took my serving, that’s all.
In any case, if you and/or your business would like to advertise on my underpants, you can reach me in the comment section. Special rates for non-profits.
